laval godparent: The marriage extracation and new relationships

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Today, 09:56 AM

? #1 (permalink)

Member

Join Date: Oct 2012

Posts: 102

Hi Everyone,
Been a long while. Ok quick backstory, Physician STBXW was cheating on me with multiple men, including someone in her staff,and was using every fog technique known to man. After exposure and IC, STBXW decides she wants out to be with the POSOM. No sweat, 14 years done, have a lovely life. She has been moderately fighting me in the divorce, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel in the next month. She is moving out of the house and I will be staying in the home until sold.

So this is where it gets sticky. So it has been over a year since my STBXW had any physical contact. I have not had any emotional support in the last two years. So on a request from my therapist I started online dating. Well it worked, a little too well. Now I have been meeting and talking to an incredible woman for the last couple of weeks(nothing physical). I have yet to broach the subject that I was
A.Married
B.In the process of a divorce.
I really like this girl and at this point I can tell the difference between infatuation and something more. It's just the timing is so damn horrible. I get the feeling the STBXW is dragging her heals on the agreement because she knows something is afoot in the background with me. I haven't been this happy in over a year. So the question is how do you think I should drop this on the new girl? This is all too new for me and I was just wondering if I tell her now will she be miffed that I didn't tell her earlier and walk. So much confusion. You guys have been there for me in the past. What do you think the honorable thing is to do?

Today, 10:22 AM

? #2 (permalink)

Member

Join Date: Mar 2013

Location: UK

Posts: 296

About two months after I met my now-husband (who then became my WH but that's not relevant to this), he sat me down and got that "I have to tell you something that you're not going to like" face on.

I was worried he was going to finish with me and told him just to tell me.

He said that he was not divorced, as he had led me to believe, but that he was separated, and getting divorced.

I can't say I was happy that he lied to me, but at that point I knew I loved him and I didn't want to lose him. So I understood.

It also turned out that he had been separated more recently than he had led me to believe also - when we met it had only been four months since his W left him, not almost a year as I thought.

This had several effects on us.

Firstly, and positively, I was able to help him through the very difficult divorce that followed, in full knowledge of what was going on.

Secondly, and negatively, when the wife found out about me, she started making things more difficult for him. I met his two sons twice, fairly early on in our relationship, and after the wife found out they had met me, she saw to it that he never saw them again for about four years.

For me, I would have preferred it if we had met further on in the process, preferably when the divorce was over and everyone was more settled in the situation. Everything was very very raw to bring another woman into the mix.

However, you are still living with your wife so I think the new girl would struggle with that one - I know I would. If my husband had told me that he was still living with his wife I think I would have assumed that he was cheating on her, lying to me, and I would have run a mile. I think this is your biggest problem.

__________________
"And remember the truth that once was spoken / To love another person is to see the face of God." ~ Victor Hugo, Les Mis?rables.

"We're not broken just bent / And we can learn to love again" ~ Pink <- I really want to believe this

Today, 11:34 AM

? #6 (permalink)

Member

Join Date: Dec 2012

Posts: 170

Your STBXW still lives with you. That is an issue...

Be honest with the girl. Tell her you don't want to do any more than talk to her, maybe lunch until you are done, STBXW is out etc...

I know how it is. I met my gf after my EX moved out. The marriage was over, I was done but there were issues. Good women don't want to date married men so be a good man and tell her you still have to wrap up some final issues and as much as you like her you want to make sure you can focus on getting to know her without the distractions in the background.

I still had to go through a few months, 2 more than I thought as the divorce dragged on. If your STBXW finds out you are happy with this new girl, she could very well get jealous and not play nicely in the sandbox with the other kiddies.

Take your time. I met my gf online and I was just flat out honest with her with all the crap in my life that was due to mainly my cheating EX. We worked through it, but it was rough at times. I actually met her and was talking to her to help her out as a friend, but when I met her and saw how gorgeous she was, I said F that. I made sure I kissed her so I wouldn't be placed in the 'friends box'... All the lessons I learned on how to be a better husband, I use on my gf now